Loneliness

One day Li realized that he was lonely. It happened when he was in Tokyo, where he had flown for business.

Having somehow sorted himself out and made it from the airport to the center, Li decided not to tempt fate with the Tokyo metro and was making his way to the hotel along noisy streets. The city was overflowing with people… Li felt as if he had fallen into the turbulent current of a mountain river, only instead of water there were people all around. The current tried to carry him off, push him onto a sandbank, pinning him to the nearest building. It took great effort just to stay in place, not to mention walking in the chosen direction. After the quiet streets of his native village, where in an hour no one might pass by, the city pressed too hard. Li felt that he was suffocating, unable to withstand the crowd. He pressed his back against the cold stone, closed his eyes, trying to calm down and overcome the rush of feelings.

A deep inhale, then a slow exhale. Inhale, and exhale again. His pulse thudded in his ears, gradually slowing and returning to normal. Li risked opening one eye and cautiously looked at the street before him. People slowly floated by. Each individual person hurried, focused on their own goal. But together they merged into a slow, viscous flow spreading across the width of the sidewalk like molasses.

Li risked opening his second eye. Continuing to control his breathing, he defocused his gaze and imagined that the movement before him was the waves along a shore of a big lake or sea. That they breathed in the rhythm of his own breathing. That they gave birth to calm…

It didn’t work. The flow, slowing for a minute, suddenly turned orange, then crimson, and became lava, slowly and calmly burning its way through the surrounding landscape. Li was afraid that this flow would draw him in and swallow him…

“Hey!” came a quiet but sharp shout. “Hey, what’s wrong with you, kid?!”

Startled and throwing his eyes open, Li saw beside him a disheveled middle-aged man who looked at him either with disgust or with sympathy — it was hard to tell at a glance.

“Oh… I’m fine… Just dizzy. Probably from the heat,” Li replied weakly.

“Well, you, uh, be calmer next time, will you!” the man ordered uncertainly and stepped back. Apparently he was almost more worried than Li, but he didn’t want to show it. Li raised a hand in what he hoped was a calming gesture, and the man averted his gaze and continued on his way, flowing back into the viscous stream.

Staying by the wall was unsafe; Li didn’t want to draw attention again. Looking around, he saw a narrow path between high-rise buildings nearby. He carefully started moving in that direction, trying not to get too close to the rushing crowd.

A minute later, which seemed like an eternity, he managed to slip around the corner of a skyscraper and make his way into a courtyard along a paved path. Li felt as if he had surfaced from a whirlpool — people vanished somewhere, as if hidden behind a thick, blank wall. Only a rhythmic hum made it clear that they were still somewhere nearby.

The courtyard was beautiful. Its composition was formed by a couple of small trees and a dozen neatly trimmed bushes arranged in a perfect square. At its center stood a pillar artfully decorated with an unusual ornament. A little aside stood low benches.

Li breathed a sigh of relief, looked around with a smile, and headed for a bench. He hadn’t taken even a couple of steps when from the opposite end of the courtyard, suddenly and loudly shouting over one another, a group of several people burst out. They walked through the whole square without looking, clearly not concerned that someone might be in their way. Li flinched aside, the group rushed past and disappeared into the passage he had come through.

Finally reaching the seat, Li heavily sank onto it with his whole weight. He pressed his feet to the ground. Straightened his back. Put his hands on his knees and wiggled his toes, trying through his shoes to feel the ground and lean on it.

It occurred to him that he had expected to meet crowds of people when he decided to buy a ticket and fly here. But he hadn’t expected it would be so hard to be among them. In his native village he had not seen, probably, more than a hundred people at once. And here, it seemed there were many thousands.

Catching his breath, Li thought about what to do next. Would he be able to cope with his panic and get to the hotel?

He remembered how a few years ago he had watched with bewilderment a man from a neighboring village who, arriving at a wedding of his distant relative, could not get off the bus because he fell into a panic at the sight of mosquitoes circling near the door. Then it seemed to him like madness. But now he found himself on the other side and felt the same helpless despair that person must have felt then…

“…help?” he suddenly caught a voice in front of him. Coming to, he realized that a young woman was standing before him, her head tilted in concern.

“Excuse me?” Li was confused.

“I said, do you need help?” the woman repeated anxiously. “You look pale!”

“Oh. No, thank you, I’m fine,” Li smiled embarrassedly. “Just dizzy, it will pass soon.”

“And I think you should call a doctor,” the woman insisted. “What if it’s a seizure!”

“What are you saying, I feel great!” Li shared enthusiastically. “I’m just not used to it.”

“You know better,” the woman drew out. “But I’d recommend you not delay an exam. At your age you should be healthy as a bull; it’s too early to have such problems!”

“Thank you for your concern, I’ll definitely take it into account,” Li wanted to get rid of the unwanted interlocutor as soon as possible. She seemed satisfied with the answer and ready to leave.

“Promise me,” she suddenly added, staring into Li’s eyes, “that next time you’ll be more careful!”

Li blinked in confusion and shook his head. “What do you mean? What are you talking about?”

But the woman had already turned and was quickly walking out of the courtyard. Li shrugged in bewilderment, thought for a moment, and decided to throw this strange episode out of his head.

Clarity gradually returned to his mind. Anxiety receded. Li sat, slowly shifting his gaze from bush to bush and listening to the sounds around him. Behind the monotonous hum muffled from the street, he was surprised to catch notes of singing. Yes, someone had definitely started singing a song. The melody seemed familiar, as if Li had heard the song many times, yet could not remember where and when. The voice was melodic, viscous, and clearly belonged to a man. Li wanted to stand up and go look at who was singing, but realized the voice was gradually approaching.

Indeed, the singing grew, and after a couple of minutes filled the courtyard with its ringing. The source of the sound was clearly inside the courtyard, but no one was visible.

A strange illusion, Li thought — probably it was some reflection off the wall and glass.

The singing continued, but the singer was still not visible. Li rose from his seat and walked toward the path. Carefully peeking outside, he saw only the human stream, still pulsing and shimmering across the whole width of the sidewalk. And nothing else. Moreover, the voice now clearly came from the middle of the courtyard. It seemed to be coming straight from the ornamented pillar standing in the center of the square.

Li, fascinated, approached almost right up to the pillar. Curiously, it seemed that the ornament had changed. Now it resembled crude cave drawings. They depicted a lone little figure raising a shield before himself. From a neighboring element, a whole crowd of drawn people was moving toward the figure. It seemed the little man was trying to protect himself from them.

“You are not alone,” the melodic words sounded. “There are other people around. Some better, some worse. You only need to notice them, only pay attention that they have something you need. You can simply ask. And you will be answered. And you will be answered…”

Suddenly everything fell into place. The puzzle came together, and all the oddities suddenly seemed understandable and funny. It was just a dream! He had been asleep in his room all this time!

The pillar in the center of the courtyard suddenly blurred and began to lose its outlines. The bushes dissolved, everything around was flooded with bright beige light.

Li opened his eyes. Yes, he was in his room. Now he could breathe a sigh of relief. All that slog about lava and crowds, all those uninvited helpers and panic were just a dream. Yes, apparently the flight had not been without stress.

Something intangible hung at the edge of consciousness, a thought he couldn’t catch by the tail while sleepy. Something about people, about how many of them there were… About those who didn’t pass by… Right! Li sat up in bed in surprise. In the dream he had been frightened by the prospect of vanishing in the flow of people, of being pulled in. And then he ran, hid. He waited and feared that the wave would reach him too.

Although even in the dream he saw other people who paid attention to him, helped him. But he himself didn’t pay attention to them, wanting only for them to leave him alone as soon as possible.

That is my loneliness, Li thought, shocked. When people see and notice me, and I don’t see, don’t notice, and don’t believe it…