1

And then she asked me:

“What are you trying to achieve? No, seriously: what do you want?”

Her face seemed to freeze, only her eyes kept examining me.

“Happiness, only happiness!” I lit up. “The kind without anger, offenses, disappointments. The kind where we don’t look at each other like strangers when we don’t understand each other. So we don’t smash dishes, don’t turn away, lowering our hands in helplessness!”

Her gaze clouded, the corners of her lips dropped:

“So, to live soul to soul? Without hurt, without quarrels?”

“Yeah. If only that’s possible…”

I shifted my gaze to the dark street outside the window. Someone was walking slowly along the parked cars. He stopped; his face lit for a moment in the flame of a lighter…

Time. Yes, time is what I need. To stop, to look at my life, to understand what is wrong. But where to get that time?

“You know, it sounds rather naive, but I really want this. I’m just tired of those countless little things that gnaw at me day after day. It shouldn’t be like this, you understand?! Why should you have to tolerate all my oddities?”

“Well,” she shook her head irritably, “I’m not perfect either. What does that have to do with it? It’s clear everyone has flaws. It’s just — why constantly make a problem out of them?!”

“Sorry,” I should step back; no need to fight even now. “I don’t feel too lively today.”

“Yeah, just like always!”

She turned away and went deeper into the room. She turned to me, resting her hand on the back of a chair:

“I think there’s nothing more to discuss. You still need to go to your Misha anyway.”

But something inside me did not calm down. Some vague premonition.

“No, wait! He can wait too; nothing will happen to him. If you want to know what’s what, I’ll finish,” I pulled the chair closer, sat on its edge, and sighed.

“I’m just tired, you understand? I don’t know what will happen next, but what might happen worries me. All my life, at least the conscious one, I’ve seen a lot of wrong around me. I want comfort, respect; joy, finally! But I want them because I see what can happen without them, you understand? When constant control is required, or when every day in the kitchen grand scenes roll out — what’s good about that? When, out of petty pride, a husband dictates to his wife what she has to do — why such a relationship? Distrust, jealousy, insults, misunderstanding, unwillingness to understand… Betrayal, not to mention cheating… How can all of this be in a family?”

She listened to me, and in her focused gaze there was pain. I leaned forward:

“Don’t you see how thin the line is between all this? Yesterday we felt bliss, and today there is a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and that warm atmosphere between us cracks and crumbles into shapeless pieces in the fraction of a second you look at that damn sink… A moment — and everything turns out to be a mirage. And then again — painstakingly and utterly insincerely we try to collect and glue those pieces… We start from the beginning, return to the beginning, try to forget the little things, not to think about the little things.”

“But is it really so important? Listen to yourself!” worried, she kept her eyes on me. “Just small misunderstandings, when you should just take and do instead of starting to argue. And you take them that way! I don’t understand you.”

The feeling became clearer and heavier. Something was wrong, deeply wrong. Why really can’t I just take and do it? What prevents me from reaching out my hand when she turns to me?.. But why does she herself turn to me, seeing what can come of it? Always, as soon as she starts saying something, she is no longer asking but demanding, wanting not cooperation but fulfillment, not for us but for herself…

“Why, why do you always see problems in everything?” she asked softly, and her face froze, as if it wanted to become a wall, sheltering the soul from wounds…

2

And then she asked me:

“What are you trying to achieve? No, seriously: what do you want?”

Her face seemed to freeze, only her eyes kept examining me.

“Happiness, only happiness!” I lit up. “It seems that everything comes by itself, together with falling in love, but you know that romance isn’t eternal. When it comes to everyday life, that’s where everything gets interesting.”

Our eyes met; she smiled barely noticeably, with only the corners of her lips:

“Well, and you know that romance doesn’t go anywhere.”

“Ah, that’s true… Yes,” I sank onto the carpet, tucking my legs under me. “But it all seemed so complicated: every day to go to the store, to clean, to spend time on all those countless trifles. And it turned out to be even pleasant!”

She stretched sweetly and, smiling, sat down beside me:

“Of course, when there is no dust on the shelves, and food in the refrigerator.”

“You know, I really believed it would be like this — I don’t even have to convince you of anything, to force or fight, everything somehow happens by itself! As soon as I think it would be good for us to go to the movies, you’re already telling me about a new film. You just look at me and decide I need a new shirt — and we’re already walking down the street, and I’m looking into shop windows. Does this even happen?”

But my heart was calm and joyful. I dissolved in her gentle gaze and had no intention of letting her out of my arms for at least an eternity. It seemed to suit her just fine.

“Oh, by the way, you reminded me,” she squinted. “When will you deal with the plumbing?”

Eh, those pipes and faucets again.

“How long can we mess with them?” I protested. “Those meters are the last thing I’m going to do with the bathroom! Agreed?”

“Of course, nothing else will be needed,” she smiled playfully and tousled my hair. “Until we finally decide to replace the bathtub.”

I caught her hand and allowed her to hug me. The bathtub… Maybe I don’t need it that much, but I see that she will really be delighted by the coming task. Perhaps we should replace the bathtub already by summer.

I moved closer and imperceptibly reached a hand toward the sofa.

“That’s it, now we think about rest and the sublime, okay?” I held back a smile with all my might. “As soon as I say ‘start,’ we begin the battle! This time the winner is the one who first gets rid of all the pillows… Start!”

And I was instantly buried under a heap of pillows that had somehow appeared in her hands.

The pillows saved the neighbors, muffling my laughter, while I cheerfully caught her foot.

2006

3

And then she asked me:

“What are you trying to achieve? No, seriously: what do you want?”

Her face seemed to freeze, only her eyes kept examining me.

“Happiness, only happiness!” I lit up. “For me it is, first of all, a life without struggle. When I spend strength on what I truly like, and can stop and hear the people important to me. You, for example,” I smiled tenderly.

She sighed, relaxing her shoulders slightly, and sat more comfortably. I cautiously asked:

“And why did you ask about this now? Honestly, I’m even a little at a loss.”

“You know, in the last week I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship. Something was worrying me, and what it was — I didn’t know. And today, finally, it dawned on me,” her breathing quickened, her cheeks grew pink, “it’s important for me to realize the whole role of our relationship — of you — in my life.”

“Wait,” I frowned in confusion, “but how is your question connected to this? I don’t understand.”

The corners of her lips dropped, she leaned back slightly:

“I’m bad at explaining… You say ‘without struggle,’ and that’s close to me… But it’s only part of it,” she felt her way forward, “it’s about your state, about conditions of comfort, not about us!”

She thoughtfully turned her gaze to the ceiling. I waited, trying to catch the essence. Emotions smoothly changed on her face; my anxiety grew. Finally, she exhaled with despair:

“I feel good with you, interesting, comfortable… But I don’t know whether it’s love or just convenience!..”

These words made me uneasy, my chest tightened. In her gaze, directed straight at my eyes, pain was readable. I felt a surge of hurt and indignation:

“You don’t know if it’s love?! What else then — toys or what?..” my words sounded cold and sharp. “Are you thinking about breaking up?”

Silence hung. My heart pounded, my chest felt squeezed as if by a vise.

I tried to calm down and look at her from the side… So close and dear… I came to myself and sincerely addressed her:

“It hurt me to hear your words… You are very important to me, and I’m afraid at the thought that I could lose you,” my eyes watered, irritation giving way to sorrow mixed with despair.

She was silent, unable to say a word, only raised her hand, palm forward, asking not to rush. Then she spoke:

“I don’t want to break up, such a thought didn’t even cross my mind,” tears appeared in her eyes. She spoke excitedly, tensely. “I’m scared… I’m afraid of how much you have come to mean to me in these few years… I’m afraid something might go wrong…”

I rubbed my forehead. Somewhere inside, a vague understanding was born. With excitement and caution I said:

“Trust?” A couple of thoughtful seconds. “That’s what it all comes down to?”

She listened to herself. Her gaze softened, brightened:

“Trust… I trust you, and I’m scared. Scared to trust again, afraid of repeating pain, as I had before…”

My heart filled with tremor and tenderness; thoughts fell silent.

“I don’t know where we will be in a dozen years, but I know for sure that now, at this moment, I am with you, completely, with all my feelings. I am overflowing with tenderness for you, and I know for sure that with all my heart I choose to be with you now,” I stood up, approached her, crouched beside her, “I understand your feelings, and I’m hardly able to change them. But know this: the most valuable thing for me now is your sincerity. I’m grateful to you for it.”

She reached out to me, then suddenly threw herself at me, hugged me, and burst into tears… My eyes were full of tears, but at the same time lightness came. I gently stroked her hair, inhaling their delicate scent. We sat like that for what seemed an eternity.

“Thank you, dear,” she smiled softly, “this fear of mine… surprisingly, it is precisely because of it that I begin to understand the full value of our relationship… of you in my life! Amazing…”

I smiled back, pulled her with me, stood up — and spun in a slow dance.

“You know, in my past experience I tried to do everything differently. I was full of ideas about ideals, about sacrifice, about what Love is and how it overcomes everything… How far I was from reality,” she listened attentively, continuing to follow my rhythm, “and therefore I value what we build with you. It’s easy with you, because I have managed to learn to hear myself and not be afraid to be myself. And you accept that.”

Her eyes narrowed, her gaze shone softly, a joyful smile touched her lips. Words poured from me in a powerful stream, supported by strong and sincere feeling:

“I admire your strength, energy, your ability to be sincere even in such difficult experiences. You are completely different, and I can’t read your thoughts and don’t always understand you the first time, but each time I am interested in understanding you. This is no longer about halves, but about two whole people. And I am grateful that you don’t expect perfection from me, don’t demand that I always be nearby, don’t strive to rely on me in everything… That makes me want to be nearby and share even more…”

…The agitation disappeared. Gratitude, tenderness, and pleasant excitement came in its place, sparkling in response to her movements in our dance.

2016